Once Upon a Time...

  • I saw the depths of despair.  Faced the fact that I had broken inside and gave up on things I knew.  But also time to understand.  I bared the pain for earlier mistakes and continued to ask for strength.  Tears were brought to my eyes and ran down my cheeks.  Couldn’t stop the sobs from choking up my throat like a painful vice.  It was painful because the past was yet not complete.  The future was difficult to contemplate.  Plans were impossible as long as shadows were moving in the back somewhere.  I couldn’t allow myself to speculate on the future until the past was settled.  The shadows kept me awake.  Shadows I couldn’t see.  Shadows I could only feel.

     

    My mind floundered on the reefs of confusion.  Desperation.  My human spirit staggered by the experiences.  Stunned.  Horrified.  Entranced.  And transformed.  It was terrifying.  I’m not the same person.  Body.  Expression.  The total effect of my being is forever changed by the experiences.  The way I walk.  The way I talk.  The way I think and feel.  I know what happened.  As far as memory serves.  The past recedes quickly.  It’s a few instants.  Maybe I’m recounting it all because I know this is the only new life I have, that the telling is the only place where you can know I’ve reinvented myself.  And here, I’m the man who controls not just the words but with them, events they will record.  A better me, sovereign over history and time, a man more earnest, honest, more fully known.  I take accountability for the things that went wrong in my life and take blame where it’s due and otherwise assessing it.  I don’t make the mistake of confusing that with an excuse.

     

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